Comparing

Comparing

I have a terrible vice that I think I am just now starting to overcome. It is a vice that does nothing but disappoint me and hurts my relationship with my husband and kids. It is the terrible sin of comparing them to other people.

For YEARS I have found myself or other people saying things like….. (I’m using Duggar names just to amuse myself:))

“Why can’t you be as nice to your sisters as Jim Bob….”

“Can you be humble like Josh?”

“Jana braids her sister’s hair and plays games with her. Can you?”

“John David plays and laughs with his wife, see?” hint-hint

“If Jill can keep a clean house, why can’t you?”

“Joseph gets all of his homework done on time. Why can’t you?”

“Josiah can make friends with anybody. Why do you have to be a snob?”

“James always hugs and kisses his mom. It makes me jealous that you won’t do the same to me.”

“Jason can fix everything. My husband can’t do anything.”

I could go on FOREVER.

I am the example in this house and when you have a lot of kids, the vices I spread to them are so much more obvious. I have been putting children, teens, moms, wives, fathers, husbands on pedestals for years. I have metaphorically pointed at them and said,

“Why can’t you be more like him/her?”

There are two life experiences that really made the light bulb flash before my eyes and made me start changing how I speak and look at my family.

#1 I was watching the young men and women slowly lose their faith and fall off the pedestal I had put them on. This is just heartbreaking for me. I have a serious and deep love for teenagers and as I sit back and watch or hear about them turning their back on their faith and family, I get sad and then angry with myself when I look at how I had belittled my own children into being like them.

It turns out that all of these young people were not super-human after all. They are regular wonderful but sinful people just like my own children who may only be misguided for a short time. How long was I “misguided” as a young adult? Eeek. I don’t even want to go there!! Thank God for forgiveness and mercy!!

#2 I remember listening to one wife talk about how wonderful my husband was with fixing and building things. I knew where she was going with this since she was angry in her tone. This women had a husband who plays with his kids every night, walks with one child at a time to have man to man talks, and prays the rosary with them. He is the holiest and most humble man I know.

If she was able to miss all of these qualities she had under her own roof and just covet mine, I had to ask myself if I was doing the very same thing to my husband. Was I seeing the good in every other man and ignoring the gifts I had in Roy?

Uh, yeah…..I was.

Turning off the comparisons and looking at the gifts each member of my family has, has taken a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even realize was there.

Yes, I am still tempted with jealousy when I see a teenager loving on their mom more than mine does BUT NOW, instead of complaining, I show more affection in the hopes it will be reciprocated equally one day. In the meantime, I will enjoy the gifts, characters and relationships that I DO have.

Being Grateful

One of my dear friends had asked a question on Facebook…..

“What can I do to teach my kids to be grateful for what they have?”

Needless to say, she got several replies.

“Charge them for everything they use.”

“Have them watch you pay the bills.”

“Send them on a missionary trip for a week” (That was my answer)

The best answer that she got was from a 17 year old girl. She said, “You teach your kids to be grateful by being an example of a person who is grateful too.”

I ad-libbed. She said it so much better than I just did! But she was so right! – Out of the mouth of babes….

I went to a friend’s home from High School a couple years ago who was a great example of someone who knew she was blessed and knew Who she owed her blessings too. Her husband is the president of a popular beer company and they were doing well. She was happy to show me her home and showed such gratitude for all of her gifts.

I have another friend who, by the American definition, would be considered poor. She lives in a small home with 8 children and her husband is out of work more often than on but every time I see her, she tells me about all of her blessings. She is always smiling. The very few times that she has shared her hardships with me, she always did it with a smile on her face and an enthusiastic anticipation of God’s plan for her. She sees every one of God’s gifts no matter how small they would look to us.

I have many friends that I could use as examples of gratitude. It is difficult to choose. As a leader at my co-op, I was told of a mom who had her tuition waved because of financial hardship and her husband being out of work. My mouth hit the floor. This was the most joyful mom in the entire co-op. Heck she is the most happy and joyful woman I know!!

This idea of being joyful, grateful and feeling blessed about every gift even if we don’t have money is not a foreign idea. People all around me have this joyful spirit. They are my examples. I feed off of them and bring it home to my own family.

Every day, I tell each of my kids how blessed they are for the infinite gifts we have. Nothing good that we have is by our own righteousness. Every trial has a purpose. Every hardship has a reason. Knowing this keeps me calm.

When my dishwasher breaks, I smile and wonder how God is going to work His blessings. He always does.

When the drum set my son wanted got sold minutes before he was going to purchase it, he almost cried. My eyes widened and I smiled really big and said……”God’s got this! He just put His hand in your drum set purchase. This clearly wasn’t the one God has planned for you.”

He got a much better drum set that came with extra parts, a book and DVD for a cheaper price.

Yes, my kids are still going to Guatemala this Summer for a week but I know that their real gratitude comes at a much cheaper price. I need to be grateful and I need to pass this on to my kids or they will be miserable. Poor or rich…Rich or poor, I need them to be grateful for everything good that they have and recognize every miracle God sends their way.

When something breaks…..When someone dies…..When trials and hardships rear their ugly heads…..

God is about to make something special happen.

Bible Study

Ten years ago, I attended a Catholic Bible Study in Kansas. It was open to everyone but the vast population were Catholic Homeschoolers.

The little kids had their own class called Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. When the kids walked in the room, they were in complete silence. There were different stations around the room and the kids would rotate stations alone. One station would consist of dressing up a small dummy in priest vestments in the proper order. Another station would be to pour water from a cruet into a water bowl and do that repeatedly. It was a great training in patience. The kids had to discipline themselves so they never dripped. The class was silent the entire time. The kids LOVED it. They felt like little grown-ups. They were given duties in their actions and character that were equal to mature and disciplined adults.

The teenagers were in a Bible Study class just for them. They would study the same book or books that the adults were studying.

I had such fond memories of this class. Nick (only 10 years old) and I would read the scripture lesson together and answer our questions during the week. I loved this time with him. We would ALWAYS start talking about something else, mostly about life lessons based on our readings.

On top of all the readings and homework, I also had a collection of tapes and cd’s of theologians that walked me through my studies. I felt like a cheater because I would walk into class and share my incredible “insights” with the group of moms.

One particular year, the Bible Study was on Jeff Cavin’s Great Adventure Through the Bible. It was a 24-week study that took us through all of salvation history from Genesis through Acts of the Apostles. It took us through 14 books of the Bible that walked us through the history. We learned how the other 59 books fit into the story. If any one of us had a good chunk of time on our hands, we could read the other 59 books as they fit into the story. (Ex. We could read Psalms at the time we were reading about David in the book of Kings. Or we would read Corinthians while we were reading about Paul visiting Corinth in the Acts of the Apostles).

I understood the Bible better than I ever did before now that I knew HOW to read it. And reading it from front to back wasn’t it!

Understanding the Scriptures opened doors and windows for me that I never thought could be opened. I could now open up books that I considered “over my head” – particularly, anything written by any of the Popes! I understood the Cathechism now. I was able to move on and study church history. And the most exciting benefit – I was able to defend my faith & using the Bible to do it. Heck, just learning the history of where we got the Bible, who wrote and who said it was inspired was enough apologetics for me!

I was so excited about what I learned that I started teaching it to High Schoolers in my homeschool loop. I spent hours upon hours preparing for that class. I wrote out my own questions for each lesson that were more child friendly and less thought provoking. I listened to all of the CD’s from Jeff Cavins and took notes. I made a gazillion color-coded timeline bracelets so the kids could keep track of the order in history. I watched dozens of Bible movies and found just the right 4-8 minute clips to have my students watch to help them get a real visual about the Old Testament stories. And just today, I finished up 29 Bible Timelines for the next school year’s class.

I have one student take home a Eucharistic Miracles book each week and do a short report on one Eucharistic miracle to present to the class just to keep their faith alive and well throughout the year.

I am pretty sure that the reason this class has been so successful for the past 4 years has to do with WHERE I prepared. 80% of this class was prepared in adoration – right there in front of Jesus Himself.

 

With Great Power.....

Comes Great Responsibility.

I may not have a superpower but our family has powers that are unique to the 21^st century.

·        We have the power to make anyone’s birthday into an unscheduled party.

·        We have the power to clean a messy house in ½ hour.

·        We can paint a whole house in 3 hours…..well, maybe when everyone is all grown up.

·        We have the power to be the loudest singers in Mass (never done it but I bet we could!).

·        We can gather around a hurt child and have them smiling and playing within minutes.

·        We can scare away a park full of people just by jumping out of our van one by one.

·        We scare away bad guys.

·        We can make any event not get cancelled because we always have the minimum # required.

·        We can shovel the elderly ladies driveway in 5 minutes flat

·        We bring people hope for the future of our children in an immoral world

This is just a small list of what a large family can do that smaller families cannot. BUT, we also have the power to cause great harm. I have seen too many large families take advantage of this and it makes it worth blogging about.

We can totally destroy the spirit and annihilate and ostracize anyone who hurts one of us

Yes, a small family can do this but nowhere near to the magnitude that a large family can.

You know the drill. Someone picks on and bullies your 10 year old and out comes big brother to defend his sister. NO ONE bullies his sister except him!!

Can you imagine if everyone in a large family does this? Oh it happens! And when it does, it is UGLY. It is a long and nasty relationship for months or years on-end. The power is overwhelming and terribly sinful.

Just as a priest has a greater punishment for a sin than you or I commit, so does the way a large family treats someone who wronged another member of the family. We have a greater responsibility because the harmful effects are greater than that of a small family. (Still wrong……just greater and uglier)

I have had this talk with my kids repeatedly. I remind them that if anyone hurts a member of the family, the proper way to ban together is to do whatever it takes to IMPROVE the relationship. Never will it be to collectively hurt, criticize, mock, unfriend or end relationships. Never. It is hurtful and sinful yet so many families use this power for great harm to others. Even though parents may teach their children that EVERYone is made in the image and likeness of God, that undeniable fact seems to get thrown out the window when a much less important outsider wrongs one of them.

I’ll admit that the first thought in my mind sometimes is “GET EM GUYS!!! NO ONE CALLS YOUR SISTER A BRAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!!” But then I settle down and remember what my superpower responsibility is. It is to unite and not divide. It is time to pull out the big guns called virtue and prudence not avenge and revenge. It is time to pour on the kindness and compliments and bring that person to know that everything will be ok. Everyone in the Christy family is safe.

When I meet large families, I pay close attention to how they operate when friction happens with an outsider. If I catch that they unite and conquer poor imperfect children, we stay far away. I wave and smile from a far distance and make sure to never get close. It is toxic and dangerous. It can leave scars on a person for a lifetime. No thank you.

If I care at all about my children’s salvation, I will never train them that other people are less important than them. I will never tell them that the best way to solve friction between 2 people is to gang up and destroy their spirit with hurtful comments, gossip, eye rolls, laughter and the cold shoulder – “That’ll teach em to mess with my sister!!”

 

It is not cute. It is not adorable to see your children caring for each other in that way. And it is certainly not holy.

Saying Goodbye to Nick

Nick left for Basic Training on January 6^th, 2014. As the days were approaching, you might be surprised about what was going through my mind. I am not worried about him. I’m not worried that he will not have a good time or be physically exhausted every day. I am so blessed with a socially and morally sound 20 year old son. He controls his temper, prays frequently and can make friends with everyone.

What I was worried about is whether or not I would cry when he left. That is such a silly thing to worry about but I so desperately wanted to show Nick that I would truly miss and love him. He knows because of my words but I wanted him to see an outward and visible sign that he will remember.

My kids love to see movies that are tear jerkers. Specifically, because they know Mom will cry and no one wants to miss that. No one sheds a tear because all eyes are on me. All the kids, AND my husband, stare at me and wait patiently to see that first tear come down my cheek. Even in the movie theater, there are 4 heads on each side of me, peering and waiting, smiling and wide-eyed. I have to say, it is REALLY annoying. I fight the tears, put my fingers on my lips to control the shaking and hide Kleenex between my legs that I can grab in a fraction of a second.

Darnit! The boy is about to get the girl…..Here come the tears and everyone gets excited.

“Moms crying!”

Mouths drop. Kids are smiling. Dad is giggling. The girls fight to give me the Kleenex.

“NO THANK YOU! I HAVE MY OWN!”

It ruins the whole tearful moment of the movie.

This is why I wanted to cry in front of Nick. I wanted him, THIS TIME, to look at me with that smile. I wanted him to have this moment and leave with the memory of me missing, caring and loving him.

You would think that a mom would cry when her son leaves but I was so happy for him that I was afraid I would be smiling from ear to ear. I had one experience when he got his driver’s license. He was 16 years old and ready to drive off by himself for the first time. I was waving and smiling as he drove away. Then, the smile disappeared and I started filling up with fear. I ran up the sidewalk, screaming, “WAIT! STOP! I CHANGED MY MIND!” But he was gone and I was left by myself 3 houses away. I hope none of the neighbors saw me.

I didn’t want to be too late this time.

It was time to go. He was standing in line to get his bags checked and then disappear for 9 weeks.

I felt the tears coming. My fingers went to my lips and I tried to fight it like I always do. His bags went through the machine. He went to pick them up and he looked up at me for the last time.

He saw me crying like a baby. I was even sniffling and making those crying noises. I lifted up my other hand that was not covering my lips and gave a small wave.

Nick stared at me. I mean, he stared. He watched me cry and then smiled a gentle smile. It wasn’t a smile that I’ve ever seen in any of his selfies. It was a calm and gentle smile that he gives me during the tear jerker movie.

I will never forget that smile. It was beautiful.

Three weeks have gone by and I have been busy with the kids and homework, chores and errands. It is sad to say but I really haven’t felt that ache of missing him. But when I drive up to my mail box to open it up, my heart skips a beat when I see a letter from him. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. The world stops around me. Hurricanes, tornadoes and screaming children cannot stop me from reading his letters.

He misses us…..and we miss himJ

 

 

The 8 Year Old Talk

For the past couple of months, the bigger kids have been coming up to me one by one with serious fear and concern. They expressed themselves something like this….

“Mom! You can’t!!!”

“NO! MOM! He’s not ready!”

“He’s too young! Don’t do this!”

The day has finally come. It was time for Benjamin to experience…….wait for it…….THE SEX TALK! If you have read my previous blogs, you may have read Theresa’s 8 year old birthday blog. I’m not going to reread it. I want Ben’s blog to be uniquely his even if I am repeating myself which I’m sure I will since nothing about sex has changed in the last 3 years. Right? I didn’t get grief about giving any of my other 8 year olds this talk but Benjamin is different. He is just a different breed of a boy. I know this but he will still be a different breed of a boy when he is 9, 10, 14, 18, 30 something, etc.

This talk is scheduled for all of our kids when they turn 8 years old. I understand that it seems too young but if I went by the age that most parents gave the talk to their kids, they would never get it. Seriously. Did you ever get a real talk about the inner and outer workings of sex (no pun intended) from your parents? Congratulations if you said yes but all I ever got was gross looks from my mom’s face and “I’ll tell you when you’re older” (I was 18) from my dad.

So, at the ripe old age of 22, I got my hands on How to Talk to Your child about Sex by Linda & Richard Eyre. I was reading it in the delivery room right after I gave birth to Mary Kate. I know, I may have been a bit ahead of the game but I am making up for it now as I sit on my bed at 10:00 at night as the kids run wild around the house.

I am supposed to spend several weeks building his excitement prior to the talk. I am supposed to say things like…..

“Your dad and I are SO excited to tell you the most WONderful thing God gave us!”

“We are going to let you in on a very exciting secret.”

“This is really something fantastic, and it’s going to be such fun to tell you about it.”

But instead, all he heard was….

“He’s EIGHT! He’s getting the talk whether he’s ready or not.”

“We have to give him this talk before we lose the book again.”

“There is never a good time to tell Ben so get over it.”

I’m pretty sure Ben got more pumped up with what he heard then what the book said I was supposed to say. He is just that kind of kid.

The day has come! The restaurant he picked was the T-Rex restaurant WAY out at The Legends in Kansas City, KS. I told him to dress up really nice and he ran in my room screaming, “I’M READY!” in his race car shirt and camouflage pants. I sent him away to change into real church clothes. He comes in my room all dressed up and muttered, “I’m ready”.  After Samantha takes our picture, the three of us, plus baby, are on our way.

Benjamin is SO excited all the way there. He can’t WAIT to find out this secret. I just love this age. The reason we chose eight years old is because, “it is a window between the disinterest of very young childhood and the moodiness and unpredictability of prepuberty.” (-Linda & Richard Eyre) I am reminded of this when the book that we use to read, teach and show the kids about sex was brought out of hiding. Theresa finds it, opens it and starts to giggle. She passes it along to Max and then Samantha. Pretty soon, I have a house full of immature giggling basketcases. Thank goodness Nick wasn’t home. He would have been the worst. Eight year olds are trusting, open, innocent and anxious to please.  None of my 8 year olds acted as infantile as they do now at 11, 13 and 14. Oh, and 20.

After we order our food, Ben is bobbing up and down, back and forth. “Tell me the secret now! Tell me now. Tell me now. Tell me now. Tell me now.” I was getting dizzy. This boy won’t sit still.

We went through the preliminary questions…..

“Name some wonderful things God made.”

“Why is a person awesome?”

“Where do you think babies come from?”

“How do you physically show someone that you love them?”

Now it’s time for Where Did I Come From by Peter Mayle. This is the climax of the afternoon! (Sorry. I couldn’t help it!)

Goodness. Ben’s reaction was nothing like the other kids. He laughed and giggled and couldn’t believe that his parents would do such a thing. If nothing else, I know for sure he totally understood what sex is. I was not too sure if the other kids understood but this boy did. He totally did.

During our excursion with fighting and wrestling to turn back to the pages with naked people (cartoon), we accidently ripped out a page. All of us start to laugh. He was SO into this talk and so fascinated with this new information he just learned.

But now we are scared. It was not too early to tell the other kids but was it too early to tell Ben? I don’t know. He seemed more engrossed with this information then we wanted him to be. He was laughing and smiling more than we have ever seen. I am not sure what to think. All I know is that he is part of the older group of kids now. He can share and talk about sex with his older brothers and sisters but has been sworn to secrecy with everyone else.

From this day forward, Roy and I will be sharing with Ben what we learned from Blessed John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and he will understand. Our body is the visible reality of the invisible God. When a man and wife make love, they are renewing their vows. Their one flesh union is a sign of the one flesh union that we have with Jesus in the Eucharist.

Yes, he got this talk too but all he wanted to do is look at the naked pictures. Sigh….There is still time. Pray for him.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. A day to reflect on what I am thankful for. Every day, I read my friends Facebook status’ on what they were thankful for. Day 1, Day 2, Day 3…..Day 28. My friends know how to celebrate this holiday. In our house, Thanksgiving is pretty monotonous. My parents come over. Yep. I’m done. That’s it. My parents come over. Mom and I work in the kitchen and set the table for all the same people that sit in those chairs every day. I’m sure I should be thankful that my parents are here. Not a lot of people my age still have their parents….as one of my School of Religion students reminded me of last week (in a not-so-tactful matter), but I have forever ached to have that enormous family. I want my doors to be open to brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, that eat, laugh, play games and drink.

Being the hostess, cook, mom, provider of the meal, I was the last to sit down. I was exhausted. I smoked up the house with burning grease on the bottom of the oven. My turkey was already cold from the fan blowing the smoke around the room. I sat down with the greatest dejavu moment I have ever had. I have done this very thing almost every year. The same smoke, the same guests, the same cold food, the same kids, the same resentment I have trying to find Roy when it’s time to eat. Everything was the same (except, this time, I didn’t leave any forgotten food in the oven or microwave).  I was a little sad, a little upset and exhausted.

Max asked everyone to take turns around the table and tell what they are thankful for. I was so grateful that I would be almost last because I wasn’t in the mood to make up a list. One by one, each child and my parents announced a litany of everything they were thankful for. This reminded me of why Catholics repeat their prayers. After several times hearing the same thing, it starts to resonate in the soul. Every child had been thankful for our neighbor, Mr. Smith. As his name was mentioned, the next person had a deeper affection/fondness for him then the child before.  I could see God’s plan for monotonous repetitious prayer unfolding before my eye’s and ears.

It is coming up to my turn and I am ready to announce what I am thankful for and I am ready to share it with you too. Here is the long version…..

I am thankful that I have been open to God’s plan for my life years ago and gifted 9 kids as a result. I sometimes see a large family with a mom, dad and 6+ kids. I watch them interact with one another and get a small moment of jealousy as I imagine how rich their lives are. I stop and look all around me. I have this very same gift! I know this sounds strange. Have you ever admired and envied a car your neighbor has and all the while, you have the same car in your driveway?? OK, maybe not. It’s just me I guess. When this reality hits me, I get a giddy and warm fuzzy feeling all over. I could have stopped at 2 kids and been at the table thanking God for them. But choosing to be open to having God give me as many babies as He wants, gives me a feeling that no word in the dictionary can describe. Indescribable joy. Supernatural happiness. Roy just said yesterday, “When the Christy’s come, it’s a big deal. When the Christy’s don’t come, it’s a big deal.” And he is correct. We once went to a boys house, who has spina bifida, for his birthday. He wasn’t having a party. We just wanted to drop by some presents from the kids. This was my first experience with realizing how important my family really is to other people. We didn’t just drop by. We made this boy look like he was having a real party just with our presence. His dad pulled me to the side, had tears in his eyes, and thanked me for coming by. Do you know what I did to deserve this thanks? Nothing. I just brought the family by. God had done the rest. He is the one that gave me these kids and I can see the blessings being poured all over our lives because of it. You can’t fathom the blessings God has in store for you when you are open to His gifts. I am not just talking about being open to life. I mean, giving up your entire life to Him, including your fertility. Everything!

 

I am thankful for my life here on earth so I can have the opportunity to give God every part of it and watch Him do His work.

And make a profit……

Need to have an emergency party or warm bodies to make your event look well attended?? The Christy’s are for hire for only $199.99/hr.!!

What a way to end the blog……J